When Your Dreams Don't Match Reality

Photo by Randy Tarampi on Unsplash

I have big dreams.

I always have, even when I was young. I’d stare out the window, dreamily imagining my amazing life where I had fame as a writer, money, a passionate love, and this fab wardrobe. Many images showed me walking to some jet in my designer shoes holding my leather suitcase, off to a big book signing.

Yeah. LMAO.

Even when people tried to reign me in with reality, no one was going to get into my head and take my dreams away.

And I’m glad. Dreams are not only precious, but needed in a harsh reality. Dreams help us take risks and reach for something more. Something bigger that’s unseen and invisible. Like faith.

But sometimes, I must admit my big dreams frustrate me because they simply don’t match my reality.

For instance, right now I have this wonderful opportunity to pick what project comes next. I’ve spent time working on proposals, flirting with various stories, and sifting through the possibilities. Beyond the writing, I want to do ALL the things. I’m excited about getting my books on some new direct sites, reader apps, and audio. I want to run ads to my direct store, create amazing book boxes for my new book, and spoil my Ream members with lots of stories and new material. I’m also about to reveal a big project I’ve been working on for a while now, and am finally ready to set loose.

It’s big, my peeps. Very exciting. I’ll announce soon, hopefully.

This is all great stuff, especially when I feel motivated and healthy instead of overwhelmed. Right now, all of these work dreams are taking a back seat to family matters. I have a graduating high school senior, award banquets, end of school events, track sectionals, and endless other things to take care of. I also recognize my boys will both be off to school in August and I will have to deal with an empty nest syndrome. Since I’ll be able to work nonstop, I’m choosing to spend my precious time with my boys, having adventures, relaxing, and just bonding. That time is precious and I will never get this back again.

But my dazzling, shiny new projects? There is simply not enough time to do them all. Even without children, there are always distractions in our lives that keep us from rushing ahead without looking behind. Sometimes, I feel like my body is shaking and fiery with the need to write everything I can. To create in big, bold colors the world has never seen before. To take up a lot of space.

I want to work on my Christmas story. My new romcom. My spicy dark romance. And my weird, literary, kind of women’s fic I’m obsessed with.

But the reality? I have to finish my current book, Covet, so it’s ready to pub for September. I’m only at 30K so I have to push to finish this up by end of June with all these other distractions. I have to finish this secret big project soon too, so I keep switching back and forth to work on both.

But then it happened. In the car. I got this idea for a cool new book that is SO good, it blasted me like a missile and I hurried home to write the bare bones before it disappeared from my Swiss Cheese brain.

There’s just one big problem.

I have no time to write it.

And I don’t want to wait! I want to dive into the deep end of the pool into this exciting, fresh story and be taken away from the mess—which is the slow, messy process of getting through my current rough draft that’s taking me longer than I originally thought.

The funniest part of all of this? The days I actually have completely free to just sit in my office and become happily fossilized by endless hours of work?

I don’t get much done. I end up putting out fires or wasting time doing silly things that don’t move me forward. Then I get so mad and frustrated I owned these precious hours and didn’t write ALL the words.

Years ago, this pattern would devastate me. I’d ping pong back and forth between frustration, anger, and depression. I’d say mean things to myself. None of it helped. None of the mental beatings got more words on the page.

Today, I’ve recognized this burning need to create all the things while my true reality completely contradicts it. I remind myself I’m choosing to spend my time elsewhere. Somewhere I deem just as important. After writing down all the pieces of my new book idea, instead of spinning out from not able to dive in, I made myself laugh out loud.

Why?

Because I’d rather have too many ideas and giant dreams and big-ass faith in the universe boomeranging me with some amazing opportunities than feeling blocked and empty.

Which has happened before, too.

Practice and time invested does help in this writing career. We learn it’s all there waiting for us on the other side. We learn even though it FEELS like we can’t write another book again, we will. We do.

I love the book Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert, who dives into the peculiarities and magical elements of the Muse and creativity.

What I wish for? To have endless, infinite time to follow every brilliant idea I have. To write every book in a matter of a few weeks and have it come out beautiful. To experience no boredom or drudgery or frustration while I’m writing my current book. That sounds wonderful, right? Write happily, perfectly, finish, rinse and repeat.

Too bad it’s never gonna happen. To any of us. At least, not all the time, with every single project.

For now, I’m going to reset. Trudge word by word and get a chapter written of Covet. I’m going to show up for the work. I will let my Muse dream and plan and conspire for later. I tucked my proposal into my Dropbox folder with a longing sigh, knowing I’ll write it one day.

Just not now.

But like my big dreams, it’s always with me; waiting for the perfect time to appear.